Sometimes, a guy just wants to have fun.
Last week, the Seattle City Council voted to eliminate single-family zoning. However, unlike other cities that are actually abolishing such exclusionary laws, the council boldly voted to change the name of “single-family zoning” to “neighborhood residential zoning.”
Council members admitted that the name change does nothing to the zoning laws, but added that it does reflect the council’s ongoing effort to defy reality. “Someday, we may look back on this and wonder what the hell we were thinking,” said one council member. “But today isn’t that day.”
In a press conference attended by three high school journalism students and a rabbit, the bill’s sponsor said,
Words matters. Some words, like single-family zoning, invoke images of the dark days of Jim Crow laws, Masonic rituals, and other things that upset some of the more sensitive members of our community. This law will spare them from those painful memories. So, I say to those citizens: Rejoice! Single-family zoning no longer exists in Seattle.
After voting on the bill, council members held hands and sang Kumbaya before adjourning to a local coffee house to celebrate their achievement. In a previous vote, council members agreed by an 8-1 margin that the bill’s sponsor would buy the drinks. An amendment to include scones was narrowly defeated.
Before the vote, a citizen who identified his occupation as “homeless” criticized the bill. “This is the kind of thing I have been incoherently mumbling about for years,” he said between sips from a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20. “Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates are behind these shenanigans. Just Google it and you’ll see.”
Other critics of the bill expressed concern that the use of the word “neighborhood” had some kind of racist intent. They offered a number of alternative phrases, including: “indigenous people zoning,” “vegan zoning,” and “What about Bob? Zoning.” Suppressing laughter, council members huddled under their desks to consider the suggestions. While rising at the end of the conference, two members bumped their heads on their desk and required medical attention.
Next week, the council will consider a bill that would switch the city from the Gregorian calendar to the Julian calendar, as well as a proposal to designate November as “Take a Homeless Person Home Month.”